Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.
~ August Wilson
More than eleven years ago, my beautiful, beloved mother passed away from colon cancer. And looking back on it the strangest thing happened—I never allowed myself to feel this loss. Why? Because the thoughts in my head said, Be a man, Don’t let people see your feelings, and for God’s sake don’t let them see you cry.
My mum and I were very close. People used to tease me about being a mommas’ boy, and on the day of her funeral, there was no way I was going to show how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. The only thought I had was, Don’t cry. Put on the tough guy image, because people are watching! I was asked if wanted to talk at the funeral; no frickin’ way was I doing that! People could end up seeing a crack in my armor.
I still remember that during the funeral after my sister spoke, the preacher looked at me and my brother and asked if anyone else wanted to say something. When he looked at us, it felt like he was saying, You had a great mother why don’t you come up here and say something? Thanks buddy. I already feel like crap inside and you’re trying to make me feel worse. Of course I didn’t go up and speak! We buried my mum and that was it for me. I never allowed myself to feel what happened. Today, as I write these words, there are tears rolling down my cheek and I feel an extreme sadness.
Sorry Mum. You deserved so much more!!! Love and miss you!!! Why was I like this??? On my life’s journey, my mind developed the thoughts that it wasn’t manly if I showed feelings and cried. My mind had been conditioned and trained by all the men in my life—the tough guys—by society and TV, because people are not buying tickets for a Friday night movie to see a heartfelt guy. No, they’re buying tickets to see Joe Macho beat the piss out of and kill lots of people and show no emotions while doing it.
I recently attended a spiritual retreat weekend and found out I was burying anger deep inside. I was shocked to find this out, because I went on a path to bring more love and peace into the world and I knew anger was not part of that equation. And for God’s sake, spiritual and enlightened people don’t feel anger, right? I realized that there were some things in my past I had not dealt with and I squashed it down inside. Waaay down inside. The problem with this is that my soul was attracting things to me so I could heal them and be whole, and I had no idea consciously that this was going on.
I invite you start paying attention to the reactions you have that make you feel sad, angry, lonely and fearful inside. Because your soul is attracting things in your life so can you be healed and whole. This is the Law of Attraction, not the teachings of “visualize and feel a real expensive BMW and it’s going to show up in your parking lot.” But when you heal yourself, that’s when the Law of Attraction becomes real fun, because then you attract into your life your heart’s desire of love, peace, abundance, and joy.
So allow yourself to get pissed off!!!! Allow yourself to feel emotions you might have defined as bad or dark, because there’s a treasure chest of great information for you to discover in this process. But ask yourself an extremely important question, how did I attract that into my life and what is trying to show me? Another very important point to realize is this—do NOT attach any significance to the feelings that come up in this discovery process. Just remember it’s only energy, and it’s there to show you something you can grow from—learn from, so allow it to flow through you.
Be a Hero today and allow yourself feel—truly feel, because on the other side of what you may perceive as pain is your freedom. I wish you feeling, healing, and being whole with love, joy, peace, purpose, abundance, and passion.
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Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.
~ Iyanla Vanzant
I BELIEVE IN YOU!!