People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.

~J. Michael Straczynski

I recently spent a weekend at a spiritual retreat with S.O.U.L Institute master teacher, Esperanza Universal, and this teaching transformed and changed my whole life. At this spiritual retreat, I found that I had unconscious programming that made me extremely rebellious because of the physical and mental abuse that happened in my early years. I found out that I would say “no” and “screw you” to almost everyone and everything in my life.

The strangest part of this whole experience was remembering the abuse that actually happened in my past. I apparently buried this deep inside so I would never have to remember it again. I started remembering different things like having a childhood friend tell me his parents were thinking of calling the child abuse agency. And how confused I felt about this, because I thought about how my parents could get in trouble when I was just getting beatings for being bad. Because I definitely had parents that believed in spare the rod, spoil the kid.

So I was living with this unconscious suppression of my past and attracting and making decisions from the perspective of my abused inner child.

When my wife would ask me to do something, a lot of times my rebellious side would come out, and I would either ignore her or get upset with her. I would just say, “No.” Unbeknownst to me, I thought it was my mom talking and I was rebelling against the abuse from then, not the request of now.

As I flew home from the spiritual retreat, I thought about all the decisions in my life that were made with this unconscious rebellion and rage from my past. It was scary knowing something was controlling me, and that my conscious self was totally blinded to the core of why I made these choices in my life.

Something else was brought up for me after going through this process—I discovered that I have a huge fear of not being in integrity and selling people things that will not serve and help them. This was due to my experience with some spiritual and personal development courses and seminars that seemed to be more worried about the money than being of service. So I knew what it felt like to get “less than,” and I never wanted to be part of that.

This fear of not being in integrity came up for me after the spiritual weekend. I thought, “How could I write a book with this rebellion and programming in me and still serve people?” So I was thinking of giving up on and not promoting my book. I’m extremely grateful that I had some friends question my thinking and tell me that my book could help and serve a lot of people. This process was part of my journey to heal myself so I could help others heal and help heal the world.

God has made it very clear that I’m very fortunate I didn’t end up homeless on a park bench, dead, a drug addict, an alcoholic, or in a jail. I’m extremely grateful that this was not my path and that God had other plans for me. I am more committed than ever to my mission in life of helping heal the planet. Before this experience over this spiritual weekend retreat, I didn’t think it was possible to be more committed than I already was.

I cannot begin to tell you how this weekend changed my life. I no longer walk around like an abused little boy. I have awakened to see life through new eyes. I found the divine power inside me and I strive everyday to be a divine expression of unconditional love.


My friend, my book The Hero Inside You and website are about helping you be and do what you came to planet Earth for and to live from your heart and soul.

There is nothing more rewarding than to live from your heart and experience freedom.  The mind and intellect cannot even dream, understand, or know how beautiful this is. Only the heart.

For more information on S.O.U.L. click on the link below


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Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

~Lewis B. Smedes